Blindfolded

 

Its been an overwhelming circus of emotions this past few days, ideas and fears grasp my being, my core has been distraught, I suddenly questioned my capacity.. my ability.

For the most part of December I was not myself anymore. I failed to see the fun, I failed to see the rapture it used to give me, I failed to hold on to myself and just allowed fear to eat me.

I was a big FAILURE. That is what I felt, that is what I see in their obscuring eyes, in their head I could see the  hidden words on which their mouths can’t speak of.

“There she is the one who keeps on failing”

 

I was told that I failed my own expectations, the reason I can’t seem to forgive myself, the reason why I’m a bloody mess. Who knows?, Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not cut out for it, maybe I’m too soft, maybe I’m just a big loser.

Yesterday I decided to  throw in the towel and started to go through life blindfolded. YES! once again I am walking in this dreary path of which I have no idea where I’m heading to and whats going to come around the bend. I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to be in a place where I felt inadequate, unable, I want to live LIFE and I want to enjoy it as much as I can by keeping my worth, piece by piece.

I’m no longer in my 20’s I wanted to find a place where I could feel my worth. And so I brazen through the unknown, I no longer kept a requirement, I have no list, Nor no bigotry, I have only but ONE care! and it is to live life and work where my soul is at peace and where my passion resides.

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On being brave and being a woman, despite of..

Define happiness? what does it include? what do I have to feel?
what do I have to do to get a hold?
Define purpose? what does it consist? how do I know if I’m on the right track?
what should I feel?
Define love? what does it involves? what do I have to feel?
how do I know if its real?

Looking at the queen orb of the night I asked all these, wondering if she knows the answer, hoping she understands how I feel.
I had been holding on, had been striving, fighting, yet little by little my flame starts to dwindle, my eyes starts to ebb tears  and loneliness crept in.

I am Lost.. once again…
and there’s no one there to find me.

 

“Little Girl” – chengboiser

Brave little girl
stand tall with pride
pushed back your hair
wipe those tears aside
mend the wounds of your heart
let loneliness just sink
remember to keep the screams of your soul
utterly hushed and lay meek

Just don’t let them see it
don’t let them know how you feel
don’t let them see your hunger
never reveal your fears.

image courtesy of jelmerdeboer.nl/