The Hero Who Comes at Night

Looking out the window
gazing at the dark sky,
I saw the stars and reminded
how you’ve shone in the darkest part of my life.
And as I remember the days that went
I can’t stop myself from crying again,
the nights had been cold and days had been long
I am back in the former person you have known.
Dismayed by my decisions and a trouble is brewing
I wished for the stars,
for you to come and save me once again.

Save me My Love, please do come back
Save me from myself, please don’t let me go back.

 

And here’s a fave song of mine,  enjoy and listen to the lyrics.

“Well this feels like too much
(Can you take it away?)
And things won’t go my way
Now I’ll have to fade away, my friend”

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“Oh God I miss your touch
(Can you take it away?)
The way that you keep me safe
I won’t let you fade away, my friend”

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Half-mad

So this is how it feels
to be half mad
trying to UN-love you

To lay in bed for hours
not move and just cower
feel the tears and fears devour
unearth the last hope
then let it shatter
just lay meek
never speak
hoping tattered heart
would lay rest
with memories, it shall never seek

That’s how you become half mad
restraining the beating of your heart.

The Beggar

 

image courtesy of thejournail.ie

 

Sitting alone in an empty house
I think of the tears that was shed last night
of the loneliness and hurt that my heart hides
has overwhelmed even the demon that I held inside
the yearning that I once had
and the smiles that thy lips once placed
has dissipated and turned into fears
which my heart has longed to erase
the fear of not having you in my life
made me cower and growl then lost my pride
begging that was what I did
I begged and plead and cried in pain
Darling I’m a beggar for your time and love
and with this I am torned, hurt and shamed.

The Battle I Hate to Lose

 

Noontime, with the tv on and my yahoo messenger on idle I grab some grapes from new year’s party, sat on the sofa and turn the TV on. After a few browsing, sadly none of the shows was to my liking, even the reruns of hollywood soaps, series as well as movies.. UGH! as much as I love Cloudy with a chance of meatballs, I’d rather skip another airing in case my memory wants to save some of its usable space ( I almost knew all the lines )

One local soap. intrigued me though, I just happened to watch it now and they were on a heavy drama scene wherein a person was dying and they were so angry at someone for letting her beloved die. I could see the guy crying as he sink in despair of his misdeeds as guilt eats him up (I love to see men cry, its like triple chocolate cake, too damn special!).

I was transfixed by the amount of shouting and the guy’s somber look, wow this is making my noon time good. Then a physician calls in and said that we have to make a decision. OH MAN! I HATE THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS! you know the final decision.. when things are all horrible.. and then the mighty Man just raises the hand and says hey its time to give up.. 😦

Unfortunately, I myself experienced that, and it cost me a friend, colleague and a supervisor. I forgot what day it was but it was October, we had two episodes of cardiac arrest and a massive cerebral hemorrhage with non conclusive brain tumor.

I was the incoming senior at that time, scared of what may come, I have a full 12 hour shift before me but I know it only needs a few seconds to lose her. We have several drips, lots of monitor beeping, emergency carts on standby, a several packs on the side and everything we need if ever things go wrong.

I was jumpy at any noise or red alert on the monitor. My face was cool and collected but my head was screaming, I can’t let them take her. No, not on my shift. At midnight we had a rather touching retelling of her son’s stories of how her mom tried to get him and his fiancee a visa just to be with her. Man, she really did a lot for this son. Everything was going well, we had a stable vital sign but I know it’s probably because of the drips. It was also  hard to read the notes from the Radiology Department and the Neurologist; It eats you up slowly.

Dammit! I hate this part, As much as you don’t want to think about, you know already whats going to happen, its like your mind is trained to think of the worst, the end, the result, its crazy!.. if only I didn’t understand. oh the sweet bliss it would give.

Past 2 am, something happened, everythings dropping, we tried to titrate the dose but it doesn’t gave the result that we wanted. Damn! we informed the residents, called the AP.

I hate it, Were losing!

At 4am, after several toxic episodes, we were informed that a final decision was made by both the doctors and the relatives. All of us were mummed, none spoke, were losing. To my dismay, I was asked to remove the drips one by one.; I just gave a nod and excuse myself for a while.

I went out, actually I ran to the storage room..and cry. Like the guy in the tv show, I sank in despair and the incoming guilt spreads out in waves. I was too proud, I said before not on my shift, now I’m losing, I hate to lose.. And I hate it more when its someone I care.

Timed 5:08 am was her clinical time of death, we looked at her and whispered our farewell. When she left us she was smiling, she had this sense of peace on her face, that we can’t stop looking at, it was like her response, a saving grace for the teams grief and guilt.

While watching the show, I just had to smile and looked at the people on the whites, on scrubs, and those wearing the white gown. Are you also hurting? Do you also hate losing?

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