To You from Me

Its two am and thoughts of you came to me suddenly, then as if I was trap in an MMK (Maalala ala mO Kaya) episode a song played in the background while tears started to flow from my lonely orbs.

Dreadful, that’s how I am with you. I am a wretched girl who only comes to you when I needed someone to listen to, or someone to hold me close and shelter me from all the pain that I have. I have always been weak, tragically heart-broken, and lost.

I have always talked for hours about the one that I love, about my dreams and hopes, ambitions and endless plans, about the latest article or post that entertained me. I have always been selfish when I’m with you..it has always been about me, not knowing how must I have been hurting you.

Everyday you graced me with your gentle candor, your knowing smile, you’ve always been there when I needed someone to take me out to get a breather, that hug that you readily gave me after your anger-driven lecture. When you would always say that you’ll always be there for me.

“andito lang ako beh”.

With all this I am sorry, I am sorry for not listening and being a constant cause of your heart ache, I am sorry for my inattentiveness, for the disappointment, I am sorry for not being there when you needed me, I am sorry for my lack of interest with your texts, I am sorry for pushing you away.

I know all this might not mean anything to you now, ’tis true that regret comes only when you already lost them and I know I could never bring back the tears that you shed, the time that you spent waiting for a response from me, or for the constant devotion and care. Now I know my mistakes, I am a blind girl looking for the unreachable, unattainable, while you stay on the sidelines watching, carefully lifting me up, shielding me from the wolves and picking up the pieces left of me after being broken by someone else.

Unfortunately the time has come for us to part, we’ll both be chasing our dreams, leaving the land we called home, bravely treading the unknown.. not knowing if there’ll be a future with you and me. So before that happens I’d like you to know how much you means to me, that it has always been you, my protector, my savior, my dearest friend, I love you and thank you so much for making me feel that I’m Enough.

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Losing Grip

 

Forcefully, that’s how it is, how my mind was trained to ditch any specific notion of thinking of a morrow with you
Drastically, was how it was done, how every thing should be changed from my patterns to my hobbies. I have to paint a picture of myself without any link nor shadows of you.  And
Incessantly, that’s how my heart skip a beat, every time your name others would repeat. How each song would remind me of your smile, of your voice and that “hmm” sound that you make every time your thinking.

I dare ask sometimes, How can I unlove you? what should I do?

I have come to grasp and fully understand that I can’t have you in my life. I can’t keep you as something more as a shadow of a sweet hum that has touched my lips. I can’t keep you as something that would inspire and open my heart to something that might not even exist. I can’t keep myself from loving you and falling even more without even knowing the reasons, for I have no reasons at all why and how I fell in love with you.. all I know is that one day I woke up and my heart longs for you, that all I want to do is to make poems about you, sing songs with sweet melody and to care for you. And then I found a goodness in me, a better person, a more hopeful, a more loving, a more giving person whenever I’m with you, or when I think of you, and that I only wanted is your happiness.. only your best.

You broke my heart several times, but I was resilient, unmoved.. still loving, passionately, falling deep into the unknown.. but now the dream has to be shattered, the mind has to take charge.

I have to be strong and face it head on, be the bull that I was.. be the girl who has closed the doors and stayed silent to the sweet words of idle men, be the old part of me that could shun them away without batting an eyelash and close the doors to my heart without a single word.

I have to be that wretched girl again.. so that I could save of what is left of this ruptured piece called heart.

image courtesy of google

My Not So Fairytale

If you’re a Disney kid, you would know that true love is like “zing”, it’s what could make you get out of coma like Snow White and Aurora, or make you fly to the moon on a magic carpet or see the prince within a wild beast. It’s all too magical when you’re a kid, and you dream of one day feeling it, having it, bathing in its warmth. But like the rest of anything magical in this world this idea fades, we grow up only to discover that it’s not as easy as it was in the films, it’s not always like that, sometimes we meet them, sometimes we don’t, but what if you meet that person, by Nicholas Sparks words…

“How far should a person go in the name of true love?”

Would a simple declaration suffice? would songs and melody calm and entice? would an embrace and a kiss under the moon would bring a lovers delight? would you even put up a good fight?

And what if it’s not reciprocated, can you bear the pain of that childhood wish going down the drain? would you even ask the Lord above for a reason why it has come this way?

I wiped my tears and let the air-dried it up, no one should bear this loneliness and hurt.. no one should bear the overflowing love and passion for someone.. it’s all too crazy, the dramatics, the emotions, it’s not a fleeting romance.. but a single TRUTH.

That at times, we get to fall for someone so hard,that we can’t stop ourselves from falling and not breaking us apart, that it becomes a blessing and a curse, that it’s the only thing that is pure and real in you… A single person becomes the only thing that matters in your world.

But we are not in Disney film, this is the real world, and perhaps there is no happily ever after. Sometimes the only thing that matters most to us, is something we just can’t have…
So I ask you again

“How far should a person go in the name of true love?”

“We have to allow ourselves to be loved by the people who really love us, the people who really matter. Too much of the time, we are blinded by our own pursuits of people to love us, people who don’t even matter, while all that time we waste and the people who do love us have to stand on the sidewalk and watch us beg in the streets! It’s time to put an end to this. It’s time for us to let ourselves be loved.” – C. JoyBell C.

Barenaked

Don’t you hate bad mornings, I had a rather bad sleep and woke up in the wrong side of the bed. I just have that eerie feeling that I have to get out of the house and pursue something to keep my mind on track.

I went out to the city to attend a first Friday mass, then took shots of Quiapo in its frenzied state. I tried to keep my focus but it doesn’t do me any good. I need to be tired, so I went to Morayta, take care of my license and took shots again. Then, I was tired, but my mind is still shambled I couldn’t hold it any longer. My eyes got teary, and I started sniffing, I wiped it off before anyone can see, but it happened again and again that I just covered my face and act like I’m asleep. what am I supposed to do, I have been unfocused and darn hell I’m pathetically broken, torned in two..

I fell in love. As simple as that, I fell in deep shit love, and I reckon this is the one for the records where Shakespeare was able to write his Romeo and Juliet and Michael Angelo his Sistine Chapel. Mine would be endless poetry, photography and numerous ballads that only the shower room could hear the melody.

I can’t comprehend anything right now, and it seems so bad that I know I can’t do anything. I have been too proud to think that I could undermine my feelings, that I could twist it into something as genuine as a friendship, and although my intentions are always pure and true, and his happiness will always comes first.. a part of me always die at night knowing his heart could never feel it too.cry

How many times I tried to runaway and be a hermit, but every time I tried to a part of me can’t fathom leaving him behind. That every song, laughter and stories left a mark, and that every single piece of me just can’t lie anymore.

It’s the one that I have been waiting to feel, its true love. Pure and untarnished, selfless, forgiving, patient, and endless. This must be the reason why God has delayed my plans. I have to feel this.. I have to discover how it is.

Because of this I realized I’m brave, oh yes I’ve been so brave, I have never initiate to spoke the words of love, I have never held on to someone, I’m always strong and independent and I’m usually the one to say goodbye.. but now all I want to do is say I love you.. I don’t even need an answer.. I just want to say it every day..

I want to say it, so that my heart would stop from burning, my eyes from tearing and my lips from quivering. That every action would at least have a meaning, that my rhymes would find its melody and camera its center.

It’s the best and worst addiction of all… to find your true love and YET to just let it go since you know very well that he was never meant to stay, perhaps he just came to change you, to make you better.

I wanted you to know I love the way you laugh
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain away
I keep your photograph, I know it serves me well
I wanna hold you high and steal your pain

‘Cause I’m broken when I’m open
And I don’t feel like I am strong enough
‘Cause I’m broken when I’m lonesome
And I don’t feel right when you’re gone away-Seether.

Now here lies my soul and heart.. bare naked.. hoping I would finally heal and have peace.  maybe I should stop from writing a bit.