On being brave and being a woman, despite of..

Define happiness? what does it include? what do I have to feel?
what do I have to do to get a hold?
Define purpose? what does it consist? how do I know if I’m on the right track?
what should I feel?
Define love? what does it involves? what do I have to feel?
how do I know if its real?

Looking at the queen orb of the night I asked all these, wondering if she knows the answer, hoping she understands how I feel.
I had been holding on, had been striving, fighting, yet little by little my flame starts to dwindle, my eyes starts to ebb tears  and loneliness crept in.

I am Lost.. once again…
and there’s no one there to find me.

 

“Little Girl” – chengboiser

Brave little girl
stand tall with pride
pushed back your hair
wipe those tears aside
mend the wounds of your heart
let loneliness just sink
remember to keep the screams of your soul
utterly hushed and lay meek

Just don’t let them see it
don’t let them know how you feel
don’t let them see your hunger
never reveal your fears.

image courtesy of jelmerdeboer.nl/

Somber Grey

image courtesy of forwallpaper.com

 

The echoes came to haunt me back

as your foot steps seems to fade

the words remained with the wind

so as the tears that fell on an empty seat.

Today the sky seemed like it will fall

or if forgiving,

the clouds will just cover the sun’s rays

blocking the brightness, rejecting us of light

pouring somber grey back to that emptiness we hide.

Shadows and Nightmares

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Dreams, nightmares why do we have them? where do those things came from? I don’t know about you but I’m the type of person who rarely dreams or even have nightmares for years now. If ever I have one, I have no recollection at all. Gone are the days that I would hide under my blanket (In which I found out doesn’t work if it’s against “The Grudge”)  and scare myself to the shadows made by the clothes or curtains in my room. I’m a full-grown woman, I know those things are not real.. I’m brave. (I think) 🙂

But these past  few weeks, I have been having nightmares, nightmares that are unfathomable since I know I wasn’t thinking of anything nor have been worried of anything of this caliber. I have been doing well and watching happy and feel good films, I have been singing about angels and ponies for crying out loud!

The first time I have one was about someone I cared dying in front of me. It was supposedly a heart attack and I can’t do anything about it. I was doing CPR but still he died. You could just imagine how distraught I am, is that a premonition?

Second nightmare which occurred a few days after that, it was like a scene from a movie. I know I was scared, and I was trying to grab on my sis asking her to not leave my side, and I was looking for my brother. In the scene it felt like were held up against our own will and I was out of wits trying to find a way to get the hell out of that dark weary place. It was like a factory slash slums slash shanty.. I don’t know what it is, but I woke up still trying to find my brother.

Third nightmare was the worst, I was alone, it was dark, and something was there on my side, like a shadow. I don’t know what is it but I just know I’m scared. It seems I was lost and I can’t find anyone, then out of nowhere people whom I didn’t know is crying and shrieking in pain in front of me. What scared me the most is that they were scared and telling me to not go there.. Go where? my mind would ask.. where? and then I woke up.

What the!?? FREAKY!!

What the heck is happening to me? I’m not really into these dream interpretations since I don’t want to over-think, but it’s not something you would want to have. And since most are personal in nature and involves people who I care about, it becomes more horrifying, it would be better if it’s about vampires, manananggal or undin. (takot ako kay UNDIN!).

Why can’t I just dream of butterflies and unicorns, now that would be nice.

 

 

 

**manananggal is a Filipino supernatural folklore that is a woman who was able to split its body in midwaist and fly in the night and looks for pregnant women to feast on their unborn babies. While undin is a sea creature/monster that is made popular by Shake rattle and roll**