This Love

Lingering again back to the days and nights when we thought we fully understand.

 

I am not foolish nor blind

I am nor crazy nor desperate

but what am I right now is a person who feels

Feels the throngs of passion,

of hurt and worries,

of desire and sweet anticipation,

Of one day meeting you.

 

Again these are the nights when I would stay up and linger, back to the days when I thought my world would be with you.

 

So now as I get myself back to sleep, I’d like to listen one more time to the music of my love.. the one that belongs to you.

 

*******

Songs by Miss Angela Aki, a fave artist of mine.

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She

dearmomquit1

It was dreary that morning, seeing the sun already up with no notion of a possible change brought frustration to her eyes.

It’s been a year now since she abandoned herself. Crazy it may sound, to abandon oneself might seem a lost of sanity or an error to one’s grammatical knowledge. But indeed true to every word she did abandon herself.

She pitted herself as she look at the worn out eyes that stares back. The chapped lips, the dull skin, calloused and tired hands. She lost it all. Her beauty, her career, her sense of empowerment.  She almost cried as she took the hamper and put the clothes in the machine; It will never end her mind shouted as she noticed the hamper still half full. Will I ever see the bottom? She just let out a sigh as she put it down and move to another chore.  That is her day, a day full of chores, a repetition of movements that her frail body has perfectly orchestrated.

She knew it wasn’t regret that’s eating her up. No! The tears that rolled down every night is not because of that, behind that feeling of sadness and frustration, of utter dismay, of being lost, She knew that there’s a promise that holds her from breaking apart. A promise to have and to hold, in sickness and in health, to provide and to care for, to be a good wife and a loving mom. Yet despite that vow repeating in her head, tears would easily drop.

Though her eyes would light up with just a smile from that little doll, and her voice would crack from a joke from that special man. At night when the world has stopped and every sound can be heard, after her body felt the rush of the cold delightful water, her mind would just wander and her soul would cry.

If it wasn’t them, then why the tears?

Maybe…

Maybe She misses how it feels to be loved, to be beautiful, to be appreciated. OR She misses her old self, her long shiny tresses, that blush on her cheeks, that glow on her skin. The way he kiss her in the morning and a tight hug in the evening. She misses buying things for herself, to be pampered, to be with her friends, to feel like she matters.

She misses her fun beautiful self.

 

Now all that stares back is a tired mom, a sad  lonely wife and a worn out woman who has abandon herself. What a pity the mirror whispers back.

 

 

On being brave and being a woman, despite of..

Define happiness? what does it include? what do I have to feel?
what do I have to do to get a hold?
Define purpose? what does it consist? how do I know if I’m on the right track?
what should I feel?
Define love? what does it involves? what do I have to feel?
how do I know if its real?

Looking at the queen orb of the night I asked all these, wondering if she knows the answer, hoping she understands how I feel.
I had been holding on, had been striving, fighting, yet little by little my flame starts to dwindle, my eyes starts to ebb tears  and loneliness crept in.

I am Lost.. once again…
and there’s no one there to find me.

 

“Little Girl” – chengboiser

Brave little girl
stand tall with pride
pushed back your hair
wipe those tears aside
mend the wounds of your heart
let loneliness just sink
remember to keep the screams of your soul
utterly hushed and lay meek

Just don’t let them see it
don’t let them know how you feel
don’t let them see your hunger
never reveal your fears.

image courtesy of jelmerdeboer.nl/

The Impossible Feat

I never knew it could happen, it happened so fast I wasn’t ready to give up the butterflies that I felt nor the pain and the desperation of not having you.

How come I was able bear a day, how I could sit here and read on and on, and not feel anything.. just some sad eyes looking at something that used to mean more, something that used to be more important than my self, more than my dreams and hopes.

It used to be the kind love that fuel my days and nights, that made me create several rhyming words of love. of my endless affection, of my misery, of the hunger of not having the chance to just touch your face and say to you upfront how much I loved you.

It was the kind of love that I’ve been waiting to feel for a long time, the kind that we only dream about, the kind that Disney sells.

Alas like the rain showers that occur in the streets of Manila, it left too quickly, my butterflies now left shriveled and lay forgotten. Like your voice and your face now but a shadow and a familiar tone, memories of you and me now left lost and dying in the vastness of my empty mind.

Leaving a question that I never thought I’d ask in my life… How was I able to do it? the impossible feat..

 

How was I able to Un-love you?