Who would’ve thought that the hardest thing would be is to say goodbye, I thought it was saying I love you, or I need your help. But as time flies and the idea sinks in I am getting more distraught and I tends to sleep with a heavy feeling in my chest. I would lie awake at night, looking at the shadows cast by the lights outside my window. I would snuggle my pillow close my eyes and just say to myself —
“this is what you wanted, you prayed for this”
A friend of mine told me that the second time is the hardest, the first time most people would be pretty much excited, like me! but leaving for the second time carries too much memories of what life is without them and how it is with them. Although there are a lot of pro’s in being far away ( as I’ve mentioned in my previous post), the attachment, sentimentality and the bond that has been regained or created since the day of arrival will now be torn (once again) and at times I get scared that things will no longer be the same; That everything will disappear.. everything will just be a memory.
I for one is not good in keeping tabs with long distance friends, relatives, not even my family, especially when the usual toxicity of the daily grind push me to my limits. I would just be tired and drained and would keep my messengers or Skype online but frankly I’m not really there. I also forget to open mails, I usually doesn’t call or text, social network might as well be deactivated or wont be updated, and my blogs.. Oh man! I’m sure they’ll be left untouched, right next to my old form spring account, LiveJournal, fan fiction and other blogging slash writing sites I’ve made for the past 8 years, just left to die once my muse is gone, once I lost my groove to write.
Sadly I’m getting lonely thinking about it, yet a part of me is also excited at the change of environment, I craved for it, if only.. I can put everyone in bubble wraps and put them in my luggage. My muse, my friends, my love. Oh how I’ll miss you and hopelessly love you. I’m scared that this will all just be a memory, that I would just be a memory, forever gone.
I just have to suck it up right? I did ask for this… heck I even blogged about it.
I just hope I get to leave sooner, so the feelings would be torn like a band-aid to be stripped out quickly. No more thinking, no more somber feelings at night; This is the for the best right?
” You can never discover your own ocean if you don’t have the courage to lose one sight of the shore”