Waiting to Fly


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Is it enough to love?
Is it enough to breathe?
Somebody rip my heart out
And leave me here to bleed
Is it enough to die?
Somebody save my life
I’d rather be anything but ordinary please

To walk within the lines
Would make my life so boring
I want to know that I
Have been to the extreme
So knock me off my feet
Come on now give it to me
Anything to make me feel alive

– Avril Lavigne, Anything but Ordinary

I have been talking to a friend who is working abroad, he said he was perplexed when they first told him that they’ll be moving his office, he said he thought it was just a floor or several rooms away but not oceans and lands apart.

I giggled upon seeing his reaction, I on the other hand is used to living far away. I moved to Saudi Arabia when I was 22, I just graduated 2 years prior and all I have in me  then was my papers, a bunch of old letters that I kept in case I get homesick and a bagful of courage. Honestly, I wanted to go far away, to go to different places, to live on my own and be free. I wasn’t actually scared of working in a different country, its exhilarating, it felt like I have the chance to build my dreams and to make a name for myself.

My friend on the other hand, had some other views. He preferred to stay here, he said what he has is enough and that he enjoys his life. I could see the need in his eyes to come home. I have been talking to him every day for the past 2 weeks now, and still I can’t help not to question his feelings regarding the move. Can’t he see how great the opportunity is? the things he could do in there, how much he can explore and the people he’ll get to meet.

I was actually saddened by the whole conversation, unlike him I wanted to go away, once again. 4 months ago my mom asked me to just stay here and not pursue my plans. I told her I just can’t I have a goal, and perhaps the only thing would make me stay is if I already have a family of my own. She ended the discussion right then and there.

Frankly, it’s not just about the opportunities, or a good paying job, it’s basically because my homeland felt like a stranger to me; I don’t know its roads, the popular places, the ways and the hangouts of my age groups. I felt lost among the flock. I know you’ll say why don’t you go out then, and discover it. Well I tried, but I guess I just am looking for something more, something else, something that could make me feel that I really am living.

I guess the restrictions that is attached of having my family and relatives near me made me highly critical of what I do, I am the eldest and I know I have a lot to live upto. When actually I just wanted to be free, to explore, to love passionately and take that blind leap, without thinking of anything else. I wanted to do it all, good or bad. I guess I just wanted to stop caring on what everyone will think.

 

My friend told me tonight that he might be able to visit this February, I just smiled at him and told him to stop counting the days,  enjoy your life out there, do what you want and take that leap.

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Give it to me Baby

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