The Battle I Hate to Lose


Noontime, with the tv on and my yahoo messenger on idle I grab some grapes from new year’s party, sat on the sofa and turn the TV on. After a few browsing, sadly none of the shows was to my liking, even the reruns of hollywood soaps, series as well as movies.. UGH! as much as I love Cloudy with a chance of meatballs, I’d rather skip another airing in case my memory wants to save some of its usable space ( I almost knew all the lines )

One local soap. intrigued me though, I just happened to watch it now and they were on a heavy drama scene wherein a person was dying and they were so angry at someone for letting her beloved die. I could see the guy crying as he sink in despair of his misdeeds as guilt eats him up (I love to see men cry, its like triple chocolate cake, too damn special!).

I was transfixed by the amount of shouting and the guy’s somber look, wow this is making my noon time good. Then a physician calls in and said that we have to make a decision. OH MAN! I HATE THAT WHEN IT HAPPENS! you know the final decision.. when things are all horrible.. and then the mighty Man just raises the hand and says hey its time to give up.. ūüė¶

Unfortunately, I myself experienced that, and it cost me a friend, colleague and a supervisor. I forgot what day it was but it was October, we had two episodes of cardiac arrest and a massive cerebral hemorrhage with non conclusive brain tumor.

I was the incoming senior at that time, scared of what may come, I have a full 12 hour shift before me but I know it only needs a few seconds to lose her. We have several drips, lots of monitor beeping, emergency carts on standby, a several packs on the side and everything we need if ever things go wrong.

I was jumpy at any noise or red alert on the monitor. My face was cool and collected but my head was screaming, I can’t let them take her. No, not on my shift. At midnight we had a¬†rather touching retelling of her son’s stories of how her mom tried to get him and his fiancee a visa just to be with her. Man, she really did a lot for this son.¬†Everything was going well, we had a stable vital sign but I know it’s probably because of the drips. It was also ¬†hard to read the notes from the Radiology Department and the Neurologist; It eats you up slowly.

Dammit! I hate this part, As much as you don’t want to think about, you know already whats going to happen, its like your mind is trained to think of the worst, the end, the result, its crazy!.. if only I didn’t understand. oh the sweet bliss it would give.

Past 2 am, something happened, everythings dropping, we tried to titrate the dose but it doesn’t gave the result that we wanted. Damn! we informed the residents, called the AP.

I hate it, Were losing!

At 4am, after several toxic episodes, we were informed that a final decision was made by both the doctors and the relatives. All of us were mummed, none spoke, were losing. To my dismay, I was asked to remove the drips one by one.; I just gave a nod and excuse myself for a while.

I went out, actually I ran to the storage room..and cry. Like the guy in the tv show, I sank in despair and the incoming guilt spreads out in waves. I was too proud, I said before not on my shift, now I’m losing, I hate to lose.. And I hate it more when its someone I care.

Timed 5:08 am was her clinical time of death, we looked at her and whispered our farewell. When she left us she was smiling, she had this sense of peace on her face, that we can’t stop looking at, it was like her response, a saving grace for the teams grief and guilt.

While watching the show, I just had to smile and looked at the people on the whites, on scrubs, and those wearing the white gown. Are you also hurting? Do you also hate losing?



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