I HAD YOU

 

I ran back against the strong wind,

against the drops of water that slowly trickled and casted a sad somber feel,

the likes that imitates the sad love story we just saw.

 

I am about to say I am sorry,

I am about to plead my life with just these three words,

I am about to beg and give you the relish of seeing me in misery

Of Me not having You, in my Life, EVER.

 

But Alas like in every sad love story, your car arrived too early and mine came late

that I have to wilder through traffic, while yours was blissful.

I came at your door in despair, sorrow hanging on my shoulders and tears struggling not to fall..

 

But your already gone.

 

Gone, that you haven’t been able to hear how every bit of your

touch haunts me, how every soft whispers can still be heard inside my room,

how your embrace have made me courageous, how I hold you dear, how I treasure YOU!

 

Well, technically its when I HAD YOU.

 

 

Now this is our sad love story, true, painful and a sad cliche.

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Blindfolded

 

Its been an overwhelming circus of emotions this past few days, ideas and fears grasp my being, my core has been distraught, I suddenly questioned my capacity.. my ability.

For the most part of December I was not myself anymore. I failed to see the fun, I failed to see the rapture it used to give me, I failed to hold on to myself and just allowed fear to eat me.

I was a big FAILURE. That is what I felt, that is what I see in their obscuring eyes, in their head I could see the  hidden words on which their mouths can’t speak of.

“There she is the one who keeps on failing”

 

I was told that I failed my own expectations, the reason I can’t seem to forgive myself, the reason why I’m a bloody mess. Who knows?, Maybe he’s right, maybe I’m not cut out for it, maybe I’m too soft, maybe I’m just a big loser.

Yesterday I decided to  throw in the towel and started to go through life blindfolded. YES! once again I am walking in this dreary path of which I have no idea where I’m heading to and whats going to come around the bend. I don’t want to feel this way, I don’t want to be in a place where I felt inadequate, unable, I want to live LIFE and I want to enjoy it as much as I can by keeping my worth, piece by piece.

I’m no longer in my 20’s I wanted to find a place where I could feel my worth. And so I brazen through the unknown, I no longer kept a requirement, I have no list, Nor no bigotry, I have only but ONE care! and it is to live life and work where my soul is at peace and where my passion resides.

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Kay Tagal.. Na Para Ba Akong Mababaliw

Ang tagal! sobrang tagal ko ng hindi nakapagsulat muli. Parang kinuyog tuloy ako ng sangkaterbang litanya at bugso ng naguumapaw na damdamin. Charot!

Hindi nga, kung mabibilang ko lang kung ilang beses kong binuksan ang browser ko para lang tumitig sa “New Post” at sa huli’y wala rin namang naisulat, eh malamang nakatapos na ko ng isang episode ng Big Bang Theory.

Hindi naman ata writer’s block yun dahil pag nasa byahe naman ako, o pag nasa banyo, o pag nakikipaglaro sa baby ko ay nakakabuo ako ng tula sa isipan ko. Hindi ko nga lang talaga mamemorya ang mga ito. Signs of aging? letse!

Samahan mo pa ng stress sa work, sa lovelife, sa motherhood, sa how to be a successful woman in your 30’s and be a rockin mom/wife chenes. Hay..My hands are full! Ang hirap maging Me!

Bahala na si Batman, basta masaya ako, Tapos!. Umeepekto na uli ang kape at madaling araw sa “creativity” ko, konting push pa siguro makabubuo pa ko ng mas malalim, yung mas tagos sa puso, yung mas nakakapang-init ng dugo, ng balon-balunan at atay mo.

 

 

**Wet lang, magpapaka weird muna ako, baka may maproduce ulit na tula ang lola mo.

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photo not mine, credits to the owner

 

Ang Huli Araw Natin

the-end

Sa kalagitnaan ng kaguluhan hindi ko matiis na hindi lakbayin ang nakaraan,

kung saan ako dating nadapa, kung saan pilit pumihit at pag-iibiga’y nawala.

Doon ko nakita ang ating kamalian, sa gitna ng mga halik, galit at kamangmangan

sa pagpipilit angkinin ang lahat ng biglaan, sa pagmamadaling abutin ng walang pag aanuman

Ngayon sa dulo ng taon ako’y napahinto, nakatitig sa naiwang mga sulat at regalong hindi na naibalot

Nagninila’y kung ano at papasaan nga ba, kung dapat pa bang hintayin,o iwanan ang ating pahina.